I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
