Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
