the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
