its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
