I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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