I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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