My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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