At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
