im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
