i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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