I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize