so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think I sprained my soul last night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
