if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
