I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
