I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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