If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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