He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
