chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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