Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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