I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
