I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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