It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
