I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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