Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
