Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
