Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
