just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
