she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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