Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
