I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
