The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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