take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
