I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
