A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
