the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
