the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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