my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
