Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
