The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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