The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
