i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
