i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
tell your sister to shave her snatch
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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