Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
