I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
