my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
