Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
