I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
