My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
