i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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