he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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