Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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