Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
