he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
