It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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