I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
